The IceMan Cometh

Tulsa was hit by a winter ice storm just days before Christmas this year.  Here are some photos but more are here:  TULSA ICE STORM PHOTOS

Excuse the blurriness.  I'm trying to get used to taking pictures with my left eye since my right one doesn't work as well.  

My Journey Back To Faith

My life prior to my wonderful current husband seems like a really bad B-movie.  Drugs, affairs, crime, police, deception, homelessness and abuse made it hard for me to have faith. 

Why? 

Because I went through the previous marriage stone-cold sober. His misery and failures were mine, too, because of "love" or some sort of loyalty I was desperate to find in him.  

Losing my faith then makes me sad now.  Don't get me wrong - I still believe in Jesus and the power of the Almighty.

When a person, such as myself, allows someone who seems larger than life to walk in and take over completely, the horrible realization that comes in that moment when you think "Where did my faith go?" buckles you to your knees.  

I was finished.  In that moment, I turned off all emotional contact with my faith, my life, my friends, my family and myself.  I was, quite literally, The Walking Dead.  

For a long time, I couldn't even cry.

I was a prisoner in my own home because I couldn't find the motivation (read: Heart) to step outside and change the dynamics of my existence.  I felt worthless, used and completely incapable of movement.  My feet were shackled and my cell sucked me in more and more to the point that all I did was go to work and come back to the cave I had created.  

I invited no one to visit - even family.  I couldn't let them see the misery.  I refused to let them walk through my door and see the pity in their eyes.  

When you begin to wake up out of the dream, Faith, in its infinite wisdom, has a way of keeping up with your comings and goings.  It taps you on the shoulder often to let you know that, no matter how bad you perceive things to be, there's really another world you can step to if you just learn one simple thing.

Self-defense.

The bars that I used to see on my window are gone now.  I step smoothly past the depression that used to be the end-all to my existence.  The pills I took to mask the feelings are gone.  

Reality is my best friend.  Lies I had convinced myself of are no longer in play.  I don't lie to myself anymore.  Excuses are not welcome here.

This is not an overnight process.  My faith is still reminding me daily that there are other options to panic (I have panic attacks but not as frequently).   Long walks, laughter, talking with my husband about any distresses that happen by, keeping my camera handy and taking an interest in my own health and well-being.

I care about my faith now.  I keep a close eye on it and welcome it in for coffee and a chat.  

We're becoming best friends again.   

Minion hat - adult

This was a serious rush job - click on the photo to see a larger version.

Granny hoodie with attached scarf

Newborn Crochet

Just a couple of things I worked on last week.  Sent just in time for my sis-in-law's baby shower :)

50 Is The New 50

Most people say that I need to act my age, get involved in the community, maybe run for local office.

I tell most people to give me dark chocolate (with chili), a glass of merlot and reach down to kiss my ass.

Acting my age isn't something I'm likely to do.  Life means something to me.  It means having fun being with my man, playing MMO's, Facebooking with my insane compadres in past crimes, keeping a low profile with my camera and keeping my fat foot in check on my turbo Mazda. 

I am who I am.  Deal with it, I say :)

Being an actor?  Nah, but if I did, I'd play a woman like Mags on Justified or, better yet, Jessica Tandy who said what was on her mind with poise, grace and humor and a bit of snark.

I can do snark pretty damn well.  I like snark.

What I'd really like to do is help women veterans like myself.  Some disabled (like me) and some that are not but all who are in need of some damn help.  The enormous spirit of a woman cannot be defined or placed in some kind of mold.  It is there - it is real and it needs to be respected.

Let's be straight about something.  I'm not saying every woman out there deserves respect.  Respect has to be commanded and some women don't think enough of themselves to command respect.

Demand respect?  I don't demand anything of anyone.  Just not the way of things for me.  But command it.  I'd better be on my damn p's and q's when I walk in a room and my actions speak for me.  My response and my handling of situations in my life is how I command respect for myself.  It comes naturally if I allow it to.

I don't like the spotlight but I am the center of attention in my own world.  I like that because the people around me are comfortable to me.  They fall in line with my way of doing things.  They offer me chances to explore and grow by introducing new ideas and new philosophies. 

They are my people.  They are my "50".