My Journey Back To Faith

My life prior to my wonderful current husband seems like a really bad B-movie.  Drugs, affairs, crime, police, deception, homelessness and abuse made it hard for me to have faith. 

Why? 

Because I went through the previous marriage stone-cold sober. His misery and failures were mine, too, because of "love" or some sort of loyalty I was desperate to find in him.  

Losing my faith then makes me sad now.  Don't get me wrong - I still believe in Jesus and the power of the Almighty.

When a person, such as myself, allows someone who seems larger than life to walk in and take over completely, the horrible realization that comes in that moment when you think "Where did my faith go?" buckles you to your knees.  

I was finished.  In that moment, I turned off all emotional contact with my faith, my life, my friends, my family and myself.  I was, quite literally, The Walking Dead.  

For a long time, I couldn't even cry.

I was a prisoner in my own home because I couldn't find the motivation (read: Heart) to step outside and change the dynamics of my existence.  I felt worthless, used and completely incapable of movement.  My feet were shackled and my cell sucked me in more and more to the point that all I did was go to work and come back to the cave I had created.  

I invited no one to visit - even family.  I couldn't let them see the misery.  I refused to let them walk through my door and see the pity in their eyes.  

When you begin to wake up out of the dream, Faith, in its infinite wisdom, has a way of keeping up with your comings and goings.  It taps you on the shoulder often to let you know that, no matter how bad you perceive things to be, there's really another world you can step to if you just learn one simple thing.

Self-defense.

The bars that I used to see on my window are gone now.  I step smoothly past the depression that used to be the end-all to my existence.  The pills I took to mask the feelings are gone.  

Reality is my best friend.  Lies I had convinced myself of are no longer in play.  I don't lie to myself anymore.  Excuses are not welcome here.

This is not an overnight process.  My faith is still reminding me daily that there are other options to panic (I have panic attacks but not as frequently).   Long walks, laughter, talking with my husband about any distresses that happen by, keeping my camera handy and taking an interest in my own health and well-being.

I care about my faith now.  I keep a close eye on it and welcome it in for coffee and a chat.  

We're becoming best friends again.   

When Bad Things Happen To Good People

Many of us share a common past - the past of adversity that has brought us to where we are at this moment.

Some say that your past is what guides your future. Is this so? I'm not sure because somewhere along the way, I lost who I was supposed to be and how I'm supposed to do things. I can't see straight sometimes.

It's a strange kind of fog I live in.

Many people do not know about me or my life. Only a small handful are welcome into my world and about 1/2 of those choose not to really participate in my life. My journey that got me here is one that most people don't really want to hear about because I've been through so much that it's an awful lot to take it and expect people to still be around.

It feels good to talk about it now, I can honestly say that I might have found an outlet for the hazy days that keep me from feeling as much as I should or looking at life and enjoying every waking moment.









What is it, you ask? It's simply writing about it.

I was abused as a child by several uncles - one of which has just died last year. I looked over my shoulder every day up until the day he died and I'm 48 now. That's a long time to pack a weapon in self-defense and to keep barriers up around your heart.

The other uncles I never see or hear from so it's all good. I've moved on. So what was it about this one particular uncle that made me want to trade a life of joy for a fear-filled extravaganza?

Well, when I was young, this one uncle threatened to kill my mom and sister "if (I) said anything" about what he was doing. That's a lot to put on a 4-year old.

He said it until I was 16. Then mom married dad and he moved us away from the "bad place."

I thought I'd leave it all behind when I went in the Army and then married young. To say I married the wrong man is an understatement. Of course, everything I went through with him (drug addiction, abuse) was supposed to make me stronger because I went through 10 years with him completely sober. I could write a book on those years.

I'm not surprised I'm a nervous cat these days.

Life is to be savored. Every moment. Every sound. Every person you meet. You're actually supposed to have a sparkle in your eye. I didn't know that until much later in life.

I found my sparkle - nay, my hope and my home - about 15 years ago when I met my second husband. It's nothing short of a miracle what my General Patton, my John Wayne who is my man has done for me. I can be silly now. I can laugh more. I can enjoy music especially his wonderful voice in the shower or when he's listening to youtube. I can look around and not be afraid to decorate or go out and buy myself a coat and not live in fear that it will be sold for drugs.

I can sing if I want to (but I don't much because I sound awful). I can dance and make him laugh. I can look across the room and see my wonderful soul in his eyes.

He is my salvation. I believe more in Christ now than I ever have because of my husband. I believe more in myself than I ever have. I can't express clearly what all this means because my life up until the time I met my husband was filled with danger, heartbreak and so much confusion that I'm surprised that I'm actually still here.

Don't ever give up. Don't ever tell yourself that you have no place in this world because, believe me, you most definitely are important to someone out there.

And it may not be in the way that you think. You may not be the next ground-breaking novelist or the most sought-after person in your church or school. You may think you are invisible but to that special someone out there, you're very real.

And you're very wonderful. Accept it. Take the leap of faith that you deserve.