Darkness Calms The Chaos

Normally, when you think of darkness completely enveloping you, your natural instinct is to be afraid.

Very afraid.

For someone with migraines and ADHD, the darkness is a welcome relief.

It's an overcast, yet oddly bright day here. We've just gotten back from taking my husband to a job interview. I sat outside the building and waited in the car for him and, while I was there, wrote some more notes about Book One of my series. I don't know where all these characters come from but I get a boatload of inspiration just by watching strange-ass people. That's always a welcome respite from trying to think up unique characters all by myself. :)

The brightness took its toll on my eyes and I walked in the house feeling completely and utterly drained. My head is about to pop yet my mind is going 100MPH thinking about my characters. My brain tells me to give it up and stop encouraging a No-Win situation. Go to the Lazy-Gurl chair and relax, it says.

So what am I doing at a computer, you ask?

Easy. My eyes have to stop but I can't stop the raging noggin junk. So I'll have to think out-of-the-box and find a solution.

(LATER)

I now have a sleep mask on and am in total and complete darkness as I'm typing. The spots are beginning to fade and I'm not being at all distracted by the cats, the computer screen with all the countless browser tabs I have going across the top, my husband's tank game which is really cool to watch or the TV which is playing a very interesting movie, Malcolm X.

Of course, there's nothing I can do about the multitude of sounds coming at me but, as I smell the cinnamon rolls baking, I get a sense of well-being amongst the chaos.

I think about my characters and their reactions to smell, sight and sounds. I think about their interactions with everyday life - cooking, cleaning, even having a cup of coffee or tea - and it brings my characters to greater substance.

It brings them to a breathing, living life.

The chaos is turning into something positive.

I read somewhere that if you pass a tree when your angry, does the tree bark change because of your anger? Does it become more joyful if you pass it by in a elated frame of heart? What chaos do you carry past the tree that REALLY changes it?

On the surface, nothing. The bark stays the same. The leaves don't turn brown and wither and die because you curse at it or pass by with the foul stench of worry or stress.

If you think about it a different way, the tree actually benefits from your anger. You produce more carbon dioxide - the stuff of life for any green thing. The more you produce for the tree, the greener and stronger it becomes.

Alternatively, if you die of stress and worry, the only benefit you've left in this world is a greener, healthier tree and not much else.

So, what do you do to control the chaos? Do you go anywhere? Do you let the chaos control you or do you turn it around and produce something constructive?

Share your thoughts!

When Bad Things Happen To Good People

Many of us share a common past - the past of adversity that has brought us to where we are at this moment.

Some say that your past is what guides your future. Is this so? I'm not sure because somewhere along the way, I lost who I was supposed to be and how I'm supposed to do things. I can't see straight sometimes.

It's a strange kind of fog I live in.

Many people do not know about me or my life. Only a small handful are welcome into my world and about 1/2 of those choose not to really participate in my life. My journey that got me here is one that most people don't really want to hear about because I've been through so much that it's an awful lot to take it and expect people to still be around.

It feels good to talk about it now, I can honestly say that I might have found an outlet for the hazy days that keep me from feeling as much as I should or looking at life and enjoying every waking moment.









What is it, you ask? It's simply writing about it.

I was abused as a child by several uncles - one of which has just died last year. I looked over my shoulder every day up until the day he died and I'm 48 now. That's a long time to pack a weapon in self-defense and to keep barriers up around your heart.

The other uncles I never see or hear from so it's all good. I've moved on. So what was it about this one particular uncle that made me want to trade a life of joy for a fear-filled extravaganza?

Well, when I was young, this one uncle threatened to kill my mom and sister "if (I) said anything" about what he was doing. That's a lot to put on a 4-year old.

He said it until I was 16. Then mom married dad and he moved us away from the "bad place."

I thought I'd leave it all behind when I went in the Army and then married young. To say I married the wrong man is an understatement. Of course, everything I went through with him (drug addiction, abuse) was supposed to make me stronger because I went through 10 years with him completely sober. I could write a book on those years.

I'm not surprised I'm a nervous cat these days.

Life is to be savored. Every moment. Every sound. Every person you meet. You're actually supposed to have a sparkle in your eye. I didn't know that until much later in life.

I found my sparkle - nay, my hope and my home - about 15 years ago when I met my second husband. It's nothing short of a miracle what my General Patton, my John Wayne who is my man has done for me. I can be silly now. I can laugh more. I can enjoy music especially his wonderful voice in the shower or when he's listening to youtube. I can look around and not be afraid to decorate or go out and buy myself a coat and not live in fear that it will be sold for drugs.

I can sing if I want to (but I don't much because I sound awful). I can dance and make him laugh. I can look across the room and see my wonderful soul in his eyes.

He is my salvation. I believe more in Christ now than I ever have because of my husband. I believe more in myself than I ever have. I can't express clearly what all this means because my life up until the time I met my husband was filled with danger, heartbreak and so much confusion that I'm surprised that I'm actually still here.

Don't ever give up. Don't ever tell yourself that you have no place in this world because, believe me, you most definitely are important to someone out there.

And it may not be in the way that you think. You may not be the next ground-breaking novelist or the most sought-after person in your church or school. You may think you are invisible but to that special someone out there, you're very real.

And you're very wonderful. Accept it. Take the leap of faith that you deserve.