Some say that your past is what guides your future. Is this so? I'm not sure because somewhere along the way, I lost who I was supposed to be and how I'm supposed to do things. I can't see straight sometimes.
It's a strange kind of fog I live in.
Many people do not know about me or my life. Only a small handful are welcome into my world and about 1/2 of those choose not to really participate in my life. My journey that got me here is one that most people don't really want to hear about because I've been through so much that it's an awful lot to take it and expect people to still be around.
It feels good to talk about it now, I can honestly say that I might have found an outlet for the hazy days that keep me from feeling as much as I should or looking at life and enjoying every waking moment.
What is it, you ask? It's simply writing about it.
I was abused as a child by several uncles - one of which has just died last year. I looked over my shoulder every day up until the day he died and I'm 48 now. That's a long time to pack a weapon in self-defense and to keep barriers up around your heart.
The other uncles I never see or hear from so it's all good. I've moved on. So what was it about this one particular uncle that made me want to trade a life of joy for a fear-filled extravaganza?
Well, when I was young, this one uncle threatened to kill my mom and sister "if (I) said anything" about what he was doing. That's a lot to put on a 4-year old.
He said it until I was 16. Then mom married dad and he moved us away from the "bad place."
I thought I'd leave it all behind when I went in the Army and then married young. To say I married the wrong man is an understatement. Of course, everything I went through with him (drug addiction, abuse) was supposed to make me stronger because I went through 10 years with him completely sober. I could write a book on those years.
I'm not surprised I'm a nervous cat these days.
Life is to be savored. Every moment. Every sound. Every person you meet. You're actually supposed to have a sparkle in your eye. I didn't know that until much later in life.
I found my sparkle - nay, my hope and my home - about 15 years ago when I met my second husband. It's nothing short of a miracle what my General Patton, my John Wayne who is my man has done for me. I can be silly now. I can laugh more. I can enjoy music especially his wonderful voice in the shower or when he's listening to youtube. I can look around and not be afraid to decorate or go out and buy myself a coat and not live in fear that it will be sold for drugs.
I can sing if I want to (but I don't much because I sound awful). I can dance and make him laugh. I can look across the room and see my wonderful soul in his eyes.
Don't ever give up. Don't ever tell yourself that you have no place in this world because, believe me, you most definitely are important to someone out there.
And it may not be in the way that you think. You may not be the next ground-breaking novelist or the most sought-after person in your church or school. You may think you are invisible but to that special someone out there, you're very real.
And you're very wonderful. Accept it. Take the leap of faith that you deserve.
It is nice to finally feel important to someone. It is also nice know that you are not alone. Thanks Lynita.
ReplyDeleteTami